- «The planet is fine. The people are fucked.»
- «I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.»
- «Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.»
- «I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.»
- «Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.»
- «The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.»
- «Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.»
- «The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.»
- «I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.»
- «I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel like women can have it all.»
- «I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose. it’ll be much harder to detect.»
- «I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.»
- «I’m not a pessimist. I’m an optimist with experience.»
- «I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.»
- «I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?».
- «I’m not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.»